Saturday, February 2, 2013

How I Really Feel . . .

Growing up, and even after getting married and starting my family, I always assumed that I would have sons AND daughters. Well, after having now 4 boys, and no girls, my chances of having a little girl have dropped. Dramatically.
When we were first told that this little baby I am carrying was a boy. I was a little disappointed, but not to much. I was more concerned over his size. (Once again, it looks like I will have a big baby.) But as the reality of "you will probably never have a girl" settled in, the more disappointed I became. So much so, that I cried myself to sleep that night.
And then, I felt like a terrible person. What kind of mom is so disappointed in the gender of her VERY HEALTHY baby that she cries herself to sleep?? What kind of mom tears up when someone asks "Oh, what are you having?" This is supposed to be a happy thing. No matter what.
But, as I was thinking about it. I discovered that it isn't so much that I am having a boy. I know I will love him. He will be absolutely adorable and fun. I look forward to snuggling him, and playing with him. I look forward to watching a friendship develop between him and his brothers. I am THRILLED that I am having another baby, and I am excited that he is a boy.
So why I am crying every time I tell someone I am having another boy??(Besides the fact that I am pregnant and super hormonal?) Because I am mourning the loss of the little girl I may never get. I am sad that I may never get to sit and brush her hair. Or help her get ready for her first big date. I am sad that I may never be able to sew her a modest prom dress, or help her plan her wedding. I am sad at the loss of so many other silly little things that moms get to do with their daughters.
All that being said, I know that the Lord has a plan for me and for my family. He knows what is best for all of us, and  if we put our trust in Him, all will be well. I may never be a mommy to a little girl, but I am going to try to be the best mom I can to my boys so that someday, they will choose wonderful girls to be my daughters.


Itty_Bitty_Wittes said...

Hannah, I loved everything about this post.

We have a woman in our ward with 5 girls and she is ALWAYS called to scouts. Her husband has been the scout master for several years and instead of getting mad or upset (bc she has always wanted a son), she says something like "it is her calling to help those boys become great young men, so that her girls have more choices to marry" (of course I paraphrased)

It must be so hard to go through this, I wish I could hug you and just hang out with you.

Thank you for sharing your feelings. :) You know this little man will be loved and a great addition to your little pack of men. You are a wonderful mother, and those boys are lucky to have you!

Amber and The Boys said...

If there's anyone who can understand you, it's me. :) I am so very happy with my 4 boys and love them to death. I always thought I would have a girl, but due to major health complications with the last pregnancy I think we are done. Which means no girl for me. (and less kids than we expected.) And yes, I really mourn this. But I agree-I know the Lord has a plan for me and I can accept that. Anyway, you'll love having your 4 boys. Nothing better than brothers.