Growing up, and even after getting married and starting my family, I always assumed that I would have sons AND daughters. Well, after having now 4 boys, and no girls, my chances of having a little girl have dropped. Dramatically.
When we were first told that this little baby I am carrying was a boy. I was a little disappointed, but not to much. I was more concerned over his size. (Once again, it looks like I will have a big baby.) But as the reality of "you will probably never have a girl" settled in, the more disappointed I became. So much so, that I cried myself to sleep that night.
And then, I felt like a terrible person. What kind of mom is so disappointed in the gender of her VERY HEALTHY baby that she cries herself to sleep?? What kind of mom tears up when someone asks "Oh, what are you having?" This is supposed to be a happy thing. No matter what.
But, as I was thinking about it. I discovered that it isn't so much that I am having a boy. I know I will love him. He will be absolutely adorable and fun. I look forward to snuggling him, and playing with him. I look forward to watching a friendship develop between him and his brothers. I am THRILLED that I am having another baby, and I am excited that he is a boy.
So why I am crying every time I tell someone I am having another boy??(Besides the fact that I am pregnant and super hormonal?) Because I am mourning the loss of the little girl I may never get. I am sad that I may never get to sit and brush her hair. Or help her get ready for her first big date. I am sad that I may never be able to sew her a modest prom dress, or help her plan her wedding. I am sad at the loss of so many other silly little things that moms get to do with their daughters.
All that being said, I know that the Lord has a plan for me and for my family. He knows what is best for all of us, and if we put our trust in Him, all will be well. I may never be a mommy to a little girl, but I am going to try to be the best mom I can to my boys so that someday, they will choose wonderful girls to be my daughters.
17 hours ago